


Rollins vs. Tutuola: The Ramen Defense

by icedcoffeebro



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Crack, Does Sonny Carisi believe in evolution? Let's find out!, Episode: s08e10 Reynolds vs Reynolds: The Cereal Defense, I'm so sorry, It's always sunny in philadelphia au, M/M, Secret Marriage, Trials
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 10:00:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20487047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icedcoffeebro/pseuds/icedcoffeebro
Summary: Rollins and Tutuola get on a car accident. The squad decides the logical course of action is going on trial.---Based on "Reynolds vs Reynolds: The Cereal Defense"





	Rollins vs. Tutuola: The Ramen Defense

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of this fic was taken directly from the episode. Credit for it goes to Rob McElhenney, Charlie Day, and Glenn Howerton. 
> 
> If you're not acquitted with It's Always Sunny... prepare for a wild ride.

“What the fuck were you even doing eating soup while you were driving?” Amanda says as she throws her jacket into her chair entering the 16th precinct. This draws Rafael and Sonny’s attention. 

“It’s not weird!” Fin says, coming immediately after her. Rafael stands up.

“What are you two talking about?” Sonny asks.

“Our jolly coworker here,” Fin points at Amanda, “crashed against me and ruined my car,”

“Again, you were eating soup. While driving.” Amanda says, Rafael and Sonny turn to look at each other.

Liv comes out of her office, “What’s going on?”

“Your Sargeant was eating ramen while driving!” 

“How does that work?” Rafael asks

“You don’t even drive…” Sonny tells Rafael in a whisper. He hushes him. 

“You hold the bowl like this,” Fin cups his hand in front of him, “and you drive with your other hand, you only eat during traffic lights.”

Sonny pouts his bottom lip out and nods, “Makes sense,”

Rafael and Amanda turn to look at her, “No. It doesn’t,”

Sonny throws them a judging look.

“I don’t have to justify myself to any of you!” Fin says. 

“We’re all grown ups here,” Olivia says, “and you two,” she points at Rafael and Sonny, “have law degrees. Let’s settle this. Not like there’s any crime in Manhattan that needs our attention,”

They gather desks and a board. 

“We don’t have a jury,” Sonny explains, “so I was thinking we could put where we stand in this board and switch it around and whoever ends up winning the most sympathizers, has to pay the other’s damages,”

Fin raises his hand, “She hit me from behind,”

“YOU WERE EATING SOUP!!!” 

“Save it for closing statements,” Sonny says. 

Mike arrives, “What the fuck are you guys doing?”

“We’re going on trial,” they all reply. He just sighs. 

***

“My client, Odafin Tutuola, wishes monetary compensation for his Acura TLX, hit from behind by Amanda Rollins’ very own Nissan Rogue,” Sonny paces from side to side, “all the damages were sustained from the interior, given that my client was eating instant ramen while he was driving, over the course of this trial, you’ll learn why my client deserves the monetary compensation, ” 

He sits down. Rafael stands up.

“Odafin Tutuola is a reckless driver,”

“Objection! Speculation!” Sonny says.

“There’s no judge here, Dominick, and I’ve been on a car with him, I’ve never feared more for my life,” 

“You’ve had death threats thrown your way,” Olivia says.

“Irrelevant,” he dismisses, “I’ll rephrase; over the course of this trial, you’ll learn that is the sole responsible party for the damages on his car. He knew the risk when he decided to eat ramen while driving,”

my client here, Amanda, isn’t really on trial today, you know.”

“Because this isn’t a courtroom,” Mike tries to protest.

“Common sense is on trial. And, well, common sense would tell you that eating a bowl of cereal while operating a car is, well, it’s reckless. I rest my case,”

“C–Case? What case?!” Sonny asks, “You said nothing! You’re our ADA! You went to Harvard!”

“Order in my court!” Olivia says. 

“We’re not at a court…” Mike says.

“Okay well,” Fin stands up and bumps into Rafael, causing him to drop the coffee he was drinking and getting it on his suit, “Oh! Sorry I bumped into you and ruined your suit! I’ll pay the damages, case closed.”

“Well, when you put it that way,” Rafael moves his name on the board to be on Fin’s side.

“Hey! You’re my lawyer!” Amanda says as Olivia moves her name to Fin’s side as well.

“Shit, Rollins, Tutuola just makes a compelling case.”

“I can’t believe any of you– specially not you, Sonny,”

“Sorry ‘Manda, he’s just really credible,”

“Okay, if you find his arguments so credible, why is it that you disagree on the subject of superhumans?” Amanda raises an eyebrow.

“What does this have to do with the case?” Sonny asks.

“Sonny, what are your arguments?” Amanda ignores Sonny.

“I refuse to dignify your question with an answer,”

“Sonny, do you or do you not believe that you could create a superhuman race of strongmen through genetic mutation and evolution? If you believe something that insane, then how could you stand in this court? How could we believe anything that you have to say? I’m gonna ask you one more time: do you or do you not believe that you can create a superhuman race of strongmen through genetic mutation and evolution?” 

“Uh, no. That could never happen in the real world.”

“Case closed.” Olivia says. 

“Hold on, why is that, Sonny?” Amanda asks.

“Huh?”

“Why don’t you believe there’s a gene that would make superheroes?”

“Well that’s silly. It’s because evolution doesn’t exist,”

Rafael, Mike, and Fin all facepalm while Olivia moves her and Mike’s names to Amanda’s side.

“Why’d you say that? Make yourself credible again! We need Olivia on our side!” Rafael says.

“Fine fine, give me 15 minutes.”  
***

“Now, this is all about making myself credible in your eyes again, and I’m gonna do that by admitting that evolution is a lie!”

“Goddamn you, Sonny,”

“Shut it Rafi!”

“You always do this!”

“I’m a lawyer!”

“Whose never practiced!” 

“I’m practicing now!”

“You two are arguing like a married couple,” Olivia says.

“Because we are!” Rafael and Sonny exclaim at the same time. The entire precinct goes quiet.

“What?” Mike asks.

“Remember our trip to Vegas?” Rafael says, his head down.

“Oh my God,” Amanda says.

“ANYWAYS,” Sonny says, “as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by my husband… This is the Evolution Meter. I’ve put God, the creator of everything, on the right side. And evolution on the left. I went ahead and put you guys on the fence. Let’s start where I would start.

I’m not gonna stand here, present some egghead scientific argument based on fact. I’m just a regular dude. I like to drink beer. Y’know, i love my family. Rock, flag, and eagle, right, Mike?”

“I’d like to be excluded from this narrative,”

“See? Trying to assassinate my character. I can’t change your mind… I won’t change my mind. Because I don’t have to. Cause I’m an American. I won’t change my mind on anything, regardless of the facts that are set out before me. I’m dug in, and I’ll never change.”

“Just give it up, babe,” Rafael says, “you’re not gonna get us to not believe in evolution,”  
“Why?”

“Because the smartest scientists in the world all agree that it’s real.”

“Right and you went to Harvard,” Rafael tries to protest, but Sonny doesn’t stop, “I’m glad you brought that up, my dear husband, because, you see… science is a liar sometimes,”

“Oh, boy” Mike says. 

“This is Aristotle.” he uncovers pictures of Aristotle, Galileo, and Newton, “thought to be the smartest man on the planet.He believed that the Earth was the center of the universe, and everybody believed him, because he was so smart. Until another smartest guy came around, Galileo, and he disproved that theory, making Aristotle and everybody else on Earth look like a bitch.” he slaps a sticker that says _BITCH_ on Aristotle. 

“‘Course, Galileo then thought comets were an optical illusion. And he said there was no way the moon could cause the ocean’s tides. And everybody believed him, why? Because he was so smart!” everyone turns to look at each other. “He was also wrong. Making him and everyone on Earth look like a bitch again,” he slaps a second sticker on Galileo.

“And then our dear virgin Sir Isaac Newton, he has big brains! He thought he could turn metal into gold, and died eating mercury. YET ANOTHER STUPID BITCH!” he slaps the last sticker, “Do you see the pattern?”

“...No” everyone says. 

“These were all the smartest scientists on Earth. But they kept being wrong,” he shakes his head. 

“This is insane,” Rafael says.

“Am I insane for having more faith in the saints that wrote the Bible?” Sonny replies.

“Yeah, because you just read the words of a bunch of guys you don’t know, and you just take it into faith that all they wrote is true,”

“Hm. And what makes you think your scientists are telling the truth any more than my saints?”

“Because there’s data. Fossil records.”

“Did they ever show you those records in Harvard?” Sonny says. Rafael stays quiet, “Didn’t think so.

You get your information from books written by people you’ve never met. And you take their views as truth, based on what? Willingness to believe, desire to accept… a leap of, gasp, faith?”

“I don’t even know what you want me to say,”

“Answer the question, Rafael,” Olivia says.

“Sure. Yeah, okay.”

“I rest my case!” Sonny says, high fiving Fin.

“Well, color me impressed, put me on the fence,” Mike says.

“Yeah, me too,” Fin says.

“There’s a lot to consider,” Olivia says, moving their names. 

“Wait, what?” Rafael says, thrown off. 

“We’re on the fence.” Fin explains.

“You don’t believe in evolution anymore?”

“He created reasonable doubt,” Mike says, “he made you sound stupid. Like a science bitch.”

“Wait,” Amanda says, “How did we get on evolution? This trial is not about evolution,”

“Well, you attacked Sonny’s character,”

“Yeah,” Rafael agrees, “like they did in the People vs OJ Simpson to that cop, Mark Fuhrman,”

“Oh, I loved arguing about that case in law school!” Sonny says.

“Me too!” Rafael says, and they share a small peck, Amanda feigns gagging. 

“I wanna do closing arguments,” Sonny says.

“This has gone long enough,” Mike says, “I’m going on the fence,” 

“Me too” 

“Well,” Rafael says, “I’m with Amanda.”

“I’m with Fin” Sonny says.

“We’ve gone nowhere!” Amanda protests.

“If we’ve learned something today,” Olivia says, “it’s that we can’t take things based on faith. Seeing is believing. Let’s take this to the streets.”

***

They stand before the parked cars outside the precinct.

“Okay, Fin, if you can drive from here to your house without spilling a single drop, then Amanda, your precedent is set, and Fin, you pay for everything,” Olivia says.

“Fine” Fin says.

“And Amanda. If you can drive while listening to your awful country music without accidents, then you can keep using this SUV,” Mike says.

“Cool,” she replies.

“Okay, let’s go.”

Mike, Sonny, and Amanda get into her SUV, while Fin, Olivia and Rafael enter his car.

“Liv, pass me a bowl of ramen. We need to see how reckless this is.” Rafael says. Liv pours a portion for herself and another for Rafael.

“You hold it on one hand and drive with the other,” Fin says.

“Damn,” Liv says, holding her own.

“I know, show stopping. And I only eat it at stoplights, like this one,” he stops the car, and everyone tries what he’s saying. 

Then they feel a crash from behind, spilling their ramen all over Fin’s car.

They exit the car, “What the fuck??” Rafael says.

“It was Mike’s fault!” Sonny says, “He was talking too much,”

“Me? You were still debating evolution!”

“You know what? I’m gonna take you to trial!” 

“No, no” Rafael says, “I have to be in _actual_ court in an hour.”

“Yeah and we got some hospital calls like, two hours ago,” Olivia says.

“Then the new guy pays for all of it,” Fin suggests, referring to Mike.

Everyone nods, “Sounds fair,”

“What?” Mike protests, but they’ve all walked off.

**Author's Note:**

> The views expressed on this fic don't necessarily reflect the writer's.
> 
> Twitter: @rafaelbarbae


End file.
